The Dictionary of Man
by kerigocrazy
Summary: Rod. Meat. Lollipop. Sword of doom. Manspout: A love story told through the dictionary of man. AH Peter/Bella. drabble fic.
1. Dick

******I'm posting this and poss. the next chap as a bit of a holiday gift. Mostly, I was feelin' guilty that I don't have the next chap of 40 Weeks ready (it's like pulling teeth), and I had this on the back burner, so hopefully ya'll enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and situations are the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

**AH/OOC Unbeta'ed drabble fic. **

**Rated M for B's potty mouth and, you know, all the penis talk.**

"The Dictionary of Man"

Chapter 1: Dick

_BPOV_

"Motherfuckin' vampire spooge. That's what my life is: ancient, rancid jizz right in the eye." I stood, dripping sweat onto the steaming asphalt, cursing whatever asshole deity let me decide that Texas in August was the perfect destination for a road trip. The Beast, my once trusty, rusty orange steed, had crapped out on some, apparently, deserted road and was now smoking from the hood.

To make my situation just _that much better_, I'd long run out of smokes, my cell was dead, and I had no clue where the hell I was. Map reading had not been a skill they taught us in nursing school. I gave an oversized tire a vicious kick before falling into a huddled, pain-wracked squat. Why me?

That was the moment I realized I was no longer alone.

"Need some help, ma'am?"

"Christ on a pogo stick! Where the fuck did you come from?"

His voice was low and whiskey smooth, and it drew me up and around as if I'd been lasso'ed. This should have been completely goddamn irrelevant, considering the fact that he'd appeared out of nowhere like some B-movie villain, and I no longer believed in good Samaritans or knights on white steeds. Preparing myself to jab him in the eye and scream like a banshee in the name of my nonexistent virtue, I stood, spinning in his direction, straight into a muscled chest.

Large, callused hands righted me and I looked up to meet dark blue eyes set in a puddle-inducing, tanned face.

"Hi," I breathed, swaying back toward him.

"Well hello, sugar." My white knight smiled down at me and pointed at a four-wheeler parked across the road. "I live about a mile that a'way; heard you cursin' up a storm as I rode by. The name's Peter."

"Peter."

He grinned. "Yes, ma'am. Last name's Whitlock. And you are, pretty lady?"

_Oooh, he thinks I'm pretty!_ "Bella." I shook my head and straightened my shoulders inadvertently—cough—thrusting out my boobies. "I'm Bella Swan."

"Looks like you overheated. I've got some coolant back at the house."

"Oh no, that's not necessary." I flapped my hands at my face; man, I was certainly feeling...warm. "Can I just use your phone to call AAA?"

He rolled his eyes and started herding me toward his four-wheeler. "Now, don't insult my manliness sugar. No need to shell out a buncha money, when I can take care of you just fine."

I scowled and fidgeted in irritation at my damp Fruit of the Looms. He was hot, but he obviously shared the same Mr. Fix-it philosophy as the other men in my life. It usually involved wrapping duct tape around whatever broke and puffing out their chest in pride. "Look buddy, I don't know you from the friendly neighborhood pedophile. What makes you think I'd go anywhere with you?"

"Well, if that's how ya feel, I can understand. I'm a real sensitive kinda guy."

I snorted, but he politely ignored me and continued on. "So, I could give my neighbor Garrett a call if you want. He's a real good person."

I breathed a sigh of relief. My Daddy always said that there's safety in numbers. "That sounds—"

"Just ignore the lazy eye, he don't mean nothin' by it. And I hope you ain't offended by nudity. You see, Gare's a real big fan of freedom of expression and he prefers to express himself by lettin' his dick hang free. I really admire him for openin' himself up to criticism like that. I mean he ain't exactly packin' the heat if ya know what I mean."

I shuddered and stomped up to his ride.

"So," he said with a sly smile. "Should I give him a call then?"

Plopping my ass down, I did my best to pretend like this had been my plan all along. As I pressed myself against his back, I had only one thought.

He was sexier than anyone had a right to be...but why did all men have to be such dicks?

**A/N: Alright ladies and gents, here's the deal. These chapters will remain shorties, posting as quickly as I can write them, sort of a brain cleanse and an exercise in brevity for me. Some will be as short as 100 words, others larger, but I'm going to try to keep every one under 1,000. **

**And I could totally use ya'll's help. Now, I know a lot of different ways to say the word dick, but I'm looking for more, the more creative the better. If you come up with one that I haven't seen before and I use it, I'll give you credit in the chapter. **

**So, what do we think about our foul mouthed Bella and her White Knight (and his manliness)?**

******Next Time: Purple-helmeted Warrior of Love**


	2. Purple-helmeted Warrior of Love

**Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and situations are the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

**AH/OOC. Unbeta'ed drabble fic. **

**Rated M for B's potty mouth and, you know, all the penis talk.**

"The Dictionary of Man"

Chapter 2: Purple-helmeted Warrior of Love

_BPOV_

After he got me settled into a cozy living room, he headed out with a jug of coolant and a sexy smirk. Rolling my eyes, I pulled a battered paperback out of my bag and curled up on a comfy brown leather arm chair.

_Roland could take no more. Her heaving bosoms caused his manhood to rise to the occasion; he had to have her. Ripping her chemise straight down the middle with a mighty roar, he sunk his purple-helmeted warrior of love into her spasming channel._

"Why's his dick purple? Did he leave a cock ring on too long?"

My heart about stopped at the voice behind me; I must've lost track of time because the sun was going down and I could see my truck through the bay window.

"Um, I don't think they had cock rings in the 16th century." Huh, unless they used little strips of leather. That's plausible, right?

"And what the fuck does 'warrior of love' mean? Oh wait, maybe that's why her channel is spasming, he's using it like a battering ram. Someone should probably tell him to take it easy on her pussy, huh?"

Laughing, I shut the book and tucked it away. "You can't really pay attention to the details in books like this. It's mostly fluffy ridiculousness and men with eleven inch cocks deflowering virginal beauties."

"Then why the hell are you reading it?"

"My mother got me hooked a long time ago." It had been one of her many phases when I was in high school. We'd go to the local Goodwill once a week and buy a bunch of 80s bodice rippers for dirt cheap and giggle over what we read later.

Peter shook his head. "Alright, well, the truck's good to go. Just take it easy in this heat. Where ya headed anyway?"

I handed him my Mapquest directions, taken aback when a shit-eating grin spread across his face.

"What?"

"Well, darlin', I was just thinkin' what a pleasure it is to meet my new neighbor."

**A/N: So, Bella's got a sexy (manly) new neighbor. How's that for a coincidence? Or, you know an author created plot device, to keep our future smut producing couple in close contact...**

**Next Time: Junk**


	3. Junk

**Disclaimer: ****All recognizable characters and situations are the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

**AH/OOC Unbeta'ed drabble fic. **

**Rated M for B's potty mouth and, you know, all the penis talk.**

"The Dictionary of Man"

Chapter 3: Junk

_PPOV_

It'd been a week since I met the sexy little brunette next door, and I'd been schemin' up a way to see her. Tryin' to borrow a cup a sugar wouldn't fly with this one; she's fiesty.

Of course, the whole thing was fuckin' moot at the moment, 'cause I was trapped in flower hell with my brother's fiancee and he was nowhere to be seen. "Oh, don't worry, Pete. I just need ya ta pinch hit for like fifteen, while I finish up here. No big deal." Right. I'd been stuck mm-hmming over various arrangements of pink for two-and-a-half goddamn hours now and there seemed to be no end in sight.

"What do you think about this one, Peter?" Alice asked, head tilted all serious like.

"Um, yeah, that one's pretty. Those fluffy ones are kinda...cute?" Just cut my dick off right now.

"The carnations, really?" She made a little humming sound in the back of her throat and pressed her lips together. "I think they look a little cheap."

I nodded my head vigorously and slid my phone out of my pocket, hiding it under the counter ledge. If the flower police caught sight of it, it would probably be confiscated. "No, you're right. I don't know how I missed that."

_Where are you, fucker?_

_Sorry, bro. Ten minutes._

_You better be. Or I will junkpunch you. Srsly._

_Whatev dude. Ya know, it had to of been a woman that came up with that._

_WTF are you talking about?_

_Why would any man name their most precious piece of equipment 'junk?'_

_Cause that's what yours is gonna be if you don't get me out of here. Right the fuck now._

A high-pitched squeal signaled my freedom. "Jazzy!"

Thank Christ. In honor of this moment, I'm not gonna spank it for a week.

"Hey man, you comin' to Em's tonight?"

"Why would I?"

Alice smirked. "So you boys can plan your seduction of Bella Swan. Your damsel in distress."

"Fucker," I muttered. Jay could not keep shit from her. "Yeah, I'll be there.

Turning to leave, I adjusted myself in my Levis. Just the sound of her name did it to me. Bella. Maybe I'd start honoring the moment tomorrow.

**Poor Petey, wedding shopping with Alice does not sound like a very man-friendly activity. Luckily he's free now to go daydream about his new lady...hope ya'll have an awesome holiday!**

**Next Time: Manspout**


	4. Manspout

**Disclaimer: ****All recognizable characters and situations are the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

**AH/OOC Unbeta'ed drabble fic. **

**Rated M for B's potty mouth and, you know, all the penis talk.**

"The Dictionary of Man"

Chapter 4: Manspout

_EmPOV_

"Alright, son, just aim your manspout at the battleships and let 'er rip."

"Em, what are you boys doing in there?"

"Nothin', Rosie! Don't you worry about it; this is man business. Right, buddy?"

"Yeah, mom. Dis is man bidness."

The mini me an I focused our attention back to the appendages clutched in our hands and began to sink the enemy ships, which looked suspiciously like the cheerios we'd had for breakfast, adding loud explosion noises for effect.

"Whatever, I'm headed to work. The boys are here."

Women just didn't understand these things, I lamented. "Alright, buddy. Hold tight and aim straight. I'll be right back."

Tucking myself away, I ran out to greet, Peter and Jasper, my brothers-in-law and best boys. "Sup, just head down to the basement. I'm havin' a man moment with the kidlet right now."

When I arrived back in the bathroom, I was greeted by a teary-eyed toddler in twisted batman briefs and a stripe of liquid across the floral wallpaper Rose was so proud of.

"Shit! I mean, shoot, buddy. What happened?"

Another sniffle and then, "Daddy, I think I gotta battleship stuck up my nose..."

**So much for boys night, huh? Looks like they're headed to the local ER for a little bit of nasal spleunking. As for the seemingly random Emmett POV...yeah, that's gonna happen. And probably not just with Em. I think it'll be easier to move the story along while keeping the chapters short if I have flexibility there. Anyway, thoughts?**

**Edited b/c I randomly posted this chapter in 3rd person. Weird, lol. Sorry guys!**

**Next Time: Meat Tenderizer**


	5. Meat Tenderizer

**Disclaimer: ****All recognizable characters and situations are the property of Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended.**

**AH/OOC Unbeta'ed drabble fic. **

**Rated M for B's potty mouth and, you know, all the penis talk.**

"The Dictionary of Man"

Chapter 5: Meat tenderizer

_BPOV_

Entering a new ER is like invading enemy territory. The techs hide from you because they're scared that you'll want them to help you, the other nurses sneer at you because, obviously, you are some hick from nowheresville who wouldn't know a nasal cannula from a catheter, and the doctors assume you've been there for a decade and look at you like you're retarded when you ask them a question about the medcarts. The current pain in my overworked ass was blonde bombshell Rosalie Hale.

She'd spent the last four hours rolling her eyes every time I asked a question and sneering at my Jetson scrubs. 'Cause her barbie pink designer pair were sooo fashionable. Not like you see a lot of Crocs on the runway.

Having spent the last hour cleaning open sores off of a flirtatious ninety-year-old man's saggy balls, I was in no mood. Which is why I was pleasantly surprised when her attention moved completely away from me.

It began with a huge dude in a Scooby Doo t-shirt running in, a tiny child who looked exactly like him clutching his nose and waving at her.

"Oh my God, babe, what happened?" she shrieked, snatching the rug-rat from him and prying the hand away from his nose.

I was on the lookout for blood, but there didn't seem to be any. I had a feeling we were gonna have to go fishing.

"There's a battleship stuck up my dose, mommy!"

"A what?"

The giant of a man scuffed his sneaker on the scarred linoleum and smiled sheepishly. "A cheerio. We were sinking the battleships, um cheerios, during potty training. One of the enemy, apparently, won the battle when I wasn't looking."

I snickered, ignoring the death ray glare from nurse Barbie, and contained a lusty sigh when my hot as hell new neighbor and someone who had to be related to him popped up on either side of the he-man. They looked all prepared to back their boy up, when he saw me and abandoned ship.

"Bella," he breathed, that sexy southern twang making my girl parts sing out in joy.

The others stopped talking abruptly and turned toward us, but I was no longer paying attention.

"Hello, Peter. Fancy meeting you here."

"Yeah, ya know, boy's night. Gets kinda exciting 'round these parts."

Giggling, I glanced at the kid's footie pajamas. "It appears so."

"So, how are ya likin' you're new job?"

"Good, good." I had no clue what the fuck we were talking about. He smelled like man musk and peppermint patties, and I was honestly considering rubbing myself all over him. Nursezilla from the fast track ER could be seen lurking down the hall and licking her lips. Don't make me metaphorically piss all over my man.

A cleared throat and we turned to see the whole crowd of them smiling at us like serial killers.

"So, you're Peter's new neighbor?"

Wide-eyed at the first sincere smile I'd seen from blondie all day, I nodded.

"Oh, I'm so excited to finally meet you," she gushed. "Peter's my baby brother. And this is Jasper the oldest, my husband Emmett, and our son, Josh."

I waved and scooted closer to Pete. He'd save me from them, right? They looked like a suspiciously huggy group; Emmett seemed like he'd snap me in half if he tried.

"Hey, Bellsy. We're havin' a barbecue this weekend, you should totally come. It'll be a welcome to Texas for ya."

Bellsy. Hmm. I raised an eyebrow but let it go in the face of his childlike excitement. Glancing to my right, my answer was out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. Stupid panty drenching smirk.

"Yeah, sure, that sounds great."

"Awesome! You're gonna love my meat, Bellsy. I got the biggest tenderizer in town."

Oh. My. God.

The horrified silence broke when Rosalie's hand came swinging around to collide with the back of giant idiot's head, and Josh broke in with a small sniffle.

"Mommy? I think the battleship is trying to conquer my brain."

**A/N: So, Bella's met half the crowd, and she's goin' to a barbecue where she may or may not meet Em's meat tenderizer. *giggles* I know, I know, I couldn't help myself. Oh! And next chap, ya'll get to meet Eddie. Although, he may not be quite what some of ya'll are hopin' for... *grins***

**Next Time: Trouser Snake**


End file.
